bekbird's Journal

10:03AM

a few things everyone should know...

i got a new car...2006 ford focus, and i love it

charlie and i broke up

i'm staying in lakeland for the rest of my life probably...or at least the next year and a half to get my degree, then who knows.

i think that i've cried more than i have in the last 5 years combined.

damn emotions.

Current mood: drained

Current music: "i will follow you into the dark"-deathcab for cutie

11:12PM

Earthly love, i mean the stuff i was trying to get by sounding smart, is temporal and slight so that it is given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill in our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them. Perhaps this is what the apostle stumbled upon.

donald miller...amazing.

Current mood: indescribable

Current music: Kite...Copeland

4:40PM - happiest things

in no particular order...

sunshine::music::middleschoolers::folkdancing::kites::singing::friends::faimly::ultimatefrisbee::shootingstars::rain::latenights::downpours::reading::dirtygirls::walking::pictures::JESUS::oranges::lakegirffen::CAMP::concerts::loudmusic::CHARLIE::eating::roadtrips::thebeach::coloring::kayaking::outside::camping::art::parks::love::panama::lakeland::penguins::coffee::sunsets::lightening::painting::rainbows::boat guarding::wearing skirts::movies::caroline

just to name a few.

Current mood: sleepy

1:32AM

I'm a mess, I guess.
It's what I asked for, it's what I needed.
Well, you know me better than that,
or at least you did and something happened.
But once again something's happened.
The confidence you held in us is the rope we almost hung ourselves with.
At times I wonder if we really took the steps to break right through it.
I know that there were better days, but to see the light and to feel the rays.
Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress.
Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.

for some reason i feel like i'm heading for destruction...as cheesy as that sounds, i don't care. i'm sleepy. goodnight.

Current mood: sad

Current music: hellogoodbye-"jesse buy nothing go to prom anyways"

3:05PM - where does the general put his armies?

I saw Mae last night and the night before, and they were WONDERFUL! and...i'm pretty much positive that i want to learn to play the drums because when i listen to music i like to keep a beat like i'm playing the drums AND when MuteMath played their drumer was SO intense that I want to be just like him and hit things and knock my symbols over because i get so into drumming. i really want to persue this, i just don't know where to start.

i'm seeing nickel creek this friday for the dirty girls reunion/best friends sleepover/caroline's birthday. she's pretty much the most genuine person i've ever met in my entire life and i want to be just like her. she has such an intense love of life that is so awesome to be around. i love her. AND i'm house sitting for heather so i get to play with her dogs all weekend. i'm excited.

i called and talked to jackie jessup about moving in with them...so i'm moving in with charlie's parents in january. i'm excited about that because i love his family and now i'll just get to know them a LOT better. his mom is funny.

right now i'm sitting at work with nothing to do. everyone left me. BORING!

Current mood: amused

Current music: mae-"sun"

12:59PM

i went to daytona to visit this school and was seriously in heaven. it was like the mecca of photography in florida. huge darkroom, lots of studios, lots of mac labs, one of their professors worked for national geographic...okay that's been my dream job ever since i was old enough to have a dream job. i'm so excited! and i'll have to get a car, which is wonderful, of course. it was a beautiful day. my entire schedule next semester will consist of photography classes, no academics at all...AHHH this is so great!

Current mood: geeky

Current music: Eels-"p.s. you rock my world"

11:09PM

i just got accepted to Daytona Beach Community College. I'm so dumb to think that this school is a joke. This is what i have to do to get to where I want to be...so...daytona here i come. i'm going on friday to look at appartments, weird.

i need to start reading again...any good book suggestions? I like pretty much anything.

"she shows no emotion at all, stares into space like a dead china doll, i'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow."

Current mood: sick

Current music: elliott smith-say yes

3:34PM - i love music

list five songs that you currently love.
it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now.
post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog.
then tag five other livejournal friends to see what they're listening to.

elliott smith-these days
third eye blind-motocycle drive by
dispatch-the general
ben harper-walk away
billy joel-piano man

i tag...
abbey
lacey
ellen s.
matt p.
luc martin

10:42PM

I struggle with pride, and it sucks, i pretty much hate it and don't know how to make it go away. it makes me mad at people that i don't want to be mad at and it makes me do dumb things. gosh!

pride=dumb

the end.

Current mood: irritated

Current music: WSU "we love you lord"

7:11PM

so i pretty much hate my religion classes. i don't know why. it's just a bunch of work that i don't want to do. but anyway, here's a haiku that i wrote...

Mountain Dew is sweet
and lovely on my lips, oh
magic mother's milk.

I just got professional looking clothes so i don't show up to work looking like a hippy anymore! hooray!

i'm going to write letters, if you want a letter let me know!

the end.

4:20PM

wow, so i haven't done this in a while...lots to say, well, not really. I pretty much have decided that i don't want to grow up...EVER. I want to never have any responsibility and not have to go to school anymore. i think it would be cool to be a lost boy and live in neverland, but then again some might think that is childish. but since i know that i can't do that, i have decided to do something in order to make me like school again. I'm going to transfer. florida southern just doesn't have it for me. i don't know where i'm going to transfer to, i'm looking at savannah college of art and design in georgia, watkins college of art and design in nashville or university of central florida. yep. i want to major in photography. i've realized that taking pictures is all i want to do with my time so why not earn a degree doing it. these past couple months have been pretty hard for me, as megan would say i've gone through a quarter life crisis, i went to spain, and came home within a week. it just wasn't where i needed to be now, as hard as that is to admit to myself, and even more so to others, that's what happened. i quickly realized that everything i thought i was supposed to do with my life, and everything that I thought God had planned for me, just wasn't the case. serves me right for thinking i could figure out God...i'm so dumb. so now, i'm just going to take it one day at a time, and not try to plan out my life in advance. so that's where i am right now...
"you know my innermost being even better than i know myself. What a beautiful God! what am i, that i might be called your child...what am i?"

1:15AM

"cathy i'm lost" i said, though i knew she was sleeping, "i'm empty and aching and i don't know why." counting the cars on the new jersey turnpike, they're all gone to look for America.
-paul simon "america"

for the longest time in my life this has been my theme song. i had a lost feeling, searching for what i'm supposed to do, yearning to know what is going to make my life worth while. now it's all so clear...

life in the last four months has been nothing short of extrodinary. so much has been planned, so much has been accomplished, i feel as if i'm actually getting my life on track, on the track that God wants for me. i have yearned to hear his voice for so long, for just a hint as to who i'm to be, what i'm to do. it's funny how a simple email can put everything into perspective for me, everything just seemed to fall in place. i'm going to spain next semester for 4 months from august 20, to december 15. i still can't hardly believe it. i'm going to be gone from all that i've known in life for a third of the year. i guess i sort of have to give all the credit for this one to caroline law. she gave me this book to read and said that it would change my life and make me want to see the world. i always did, but this book made seeing the world like having a love afair with God. this started me thinking...then i got to see a friend, a dear close friend who has sacrificed a year of her life to working with young people to organize mission trips around the world that will share the love of christ. ashley ekers is someone whom i will always look up to. her faith and her desire to have the heart of christ is so profound to me. i've never met someone with her eagerness to love God. nothing else in the world matters to her, not clothes or money or fame or recognition, she just wants to do Gods will. she wants to touch lives and help people. her and hujasa are the two most giving people i know. ashley always talked about being a missionary and taking God's love to creation, her passion for it and words of encouragement, made me think some more...i really believe that God has used those people, christine, ashley, caroline and mike howerton to speak to my heart His will. not only do i see this as God's will for my life, i just plain can't see myself doing anything else. i have been blessed so much, i feel that the only way for me to show my appriciation is to serve. then i got this random email from the school talking about the spain fall semester study abroad...it all became clear. i'm going next semester to spain for 4 months to intensivly study spanish and (hopefully!) become fluent. then i will finish up my last two years at florida southern double majoring in religion and spanish. then i think i'm going to go on to seminary and become ordained as a decon in the florida conference of the united methodist church. this means that i won't be a regular pulpit minister but i will be able to focus my time on mission. i want to do missions in south florida, working to bridge the gap from our prodominantly white anglo saxon churches to the hispanic culture down there. i want to set up community centers that teach english to immigrants in immokolee and provide a safe environment for children to come and learn and play...perhaps a preschool...i don't know, i've not really worked out the details yet. i want to serve...i desire to serve! Jesus is so good to me, i want to be so good to others. i want to "do justice and love kindness and walk humbly with my God". for the first time in my life i feel like i have a real purpose, like God really does have a plan for me, it's not just this idea that he's dangaling in front of me to strive for.

so, i'll soon be off for a semester in spain, thinking about it makes my head spin. i'll be taking two courses the first semester in this little university town named salamanca in the north, then the second two months i'll be doing an internship with either a church or non profit organization working with little kids and youth in madrid. it seems so surreal. God is so good!

soon enough i'll be at camp, the place where my soul really feels at rest. with not a care in the world and being with the people who truly challenge me to be the person that i want to be. i love it! i love life, i love camp, i love campers, i love everything!

"Love is your soul's breath, your soul's sustenance, your soul's flight, your soul's triumph. Love is your purpose. Love is your savior. Embrace love, and truly live."
-Japhy Tinyspear

EMBRACE LOVE AND TRULY LIVE!

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
- John 10:10b

I want to feel like everyday i have life to the full. i don't want to miss anything, i don't want to pass up any opportunity. thank you God for giving me this opportuity.

This has been my prayer for a while and it is now my prayer for you...

Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. -Jeremiah 6:16

life is good, and i am happy, truly happy.

Current mood: content

11:19AM - umm...HA

I AM 38% EMO! Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks. Take the EMO test at Fuali.com

8:49AM - yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me!!!!

My pirate name is:

Bloody Bess Bonney

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

4:01PM

you know, sometimes boys just stink...

4:11PM - that sounds about right...

11:15AM - Micah 6:8

"and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God"

10:46AM

i am going to knit or crochet something. i want to make socks because my feet are cold...or i could kick it 80's style and make leg warmers. i'm thinking about another afghan, and maybe some beanies, i found a really cool pattern for a hat with those ear flaps...oh the possibilities.

that's right i'm 18 going on 80. i do sometimes sit around and crochet all day...and i find nothing wrong with that.

Current mood: cold

Current music: Rainbow Connection: Kermit the Frog

1:04AM - middle school boys...

middle schoolers have taken over florida southern. apparentally there is a chorus of all the best singing middle school boys in the state. it's actually pretty funny. i went to lunch today and they were EVERYWHERE! i talked to some and they were all like, yeah we're bad, we're eating with college students. that's right. and to top it off, i was hit on by five of them while i exited the building...i was putting my tray down and i saw a group of them just staring at me, then i guess it was the bravest of the group said hi, and i said hello and went for the door. his friends just all laughed and congratulated him...i like how to a middle school boy a hello is like getting a girls phone number. i was just waiting for a camper to come up to our table, for some reason there were like 6 of us from team all eating at the same table...but alas that didn't happen. well that was my fun story for the day.

i aced my new testament test...woot woot...and now i'm off to horticulture.

i love middle schoolers.

Current mood: amused

Current music: Ben Harper: Mama's got a girlfriend now...funny song...

10:36PM

well i had the worst dream last night. it was so weird and i woke up just so sad...

in my dream i went over to the middle east on a mission trip, i think it was iraq but i don't know for sure. i was there with a group and i was hanging out with some kids (because i work better with kids than anyone my age or older i've found out) and all of a sudden like there was a signal sent through the tent (we were working in a tent, it was really big, like a merch tent at a concert festival) and everyone i came on the trip with started attacking these people we were trying to help. i just sat there in shock holding one of the little kids that i was playing with and then they killed her too...i sat there holding this dying child in my arms, shaking, i didn't know what to do, i ran into this safe room, and i broke down. i just kept telling myself that we came to help, this wasn't supposed to happen, we came to help. and i wanted to go home so badly but i couldn't...

that was the worst dream ever...it scares me how that is actually going on. people are over there with the thought that they are there to help and they end up killing those they are tying to help. it makes me sad.